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The End of Courtship

Gassendi1
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Posted 03/04/05 - 11:32 PM: Subject: The End of Courtship	#1
In, as Wittgenstein put it, "the darkness of these times". I am very happy that I never had to go though what is described, and sorry for those (of you) who have to do so. By Leon R. Kass In the current wars over the state of American culture, few battlegrounds have seen more action than that of "family values"—sex, marriage, and child-rearing. Passions run high about sexual harassment, condom distribution in schools, pornography, abortion, gay marriage, and other efforts to alter the definition of "a family." Many people are distressed over the record-high rates of divorce, illegitimacy, teenage pregnancy, marital infidelity, and premarital promiscuity. On some issues, there is even an emerging consensus that something is drastically wrong: Though they may differ on what is to be done, people on both the left and the right have come to regard the break-up of marriage as a leading cause of the neglect, indeed, of the psychic and moral maiming, of America's children. But while various people are talking about tracking down "dead-beat dads" or reestablishing orphanages or doing something to slow the rate of divorce—all remedies for marital failure—very little attention is being paid to what makes for marital success. Still less are we attending to the ways and mores of entering into marriage, that is, to wooing or courtship. There is, of course, good reason for this neglect. The very terms—"wooing," "courting," "suitors"—are archaic; and if the words barely exist, it is because the phenomena have all but disappeared. Today, there are no socially prescribed forms of conduct that help guide young men and women in the direction of matrimony. This is true not just for the lower or under classes. Even—indeed especially—the elite, those who in previous generations would have defined the conventions in these matters, lack a cultural script whose denouement is marriage. To be sure, there are still exceptions, to be found, say, in closed religious communities or among new immigrants from parts of the world that still practice arranged marriage. But for most of America's middle- and upper-class youth—the privileged college-educated and graduated—there are no known explicit, or even tacit, social paths directed at marriage. People still get married—though later, less frequently, more hesitantly, and, by and large, less successfully. People still get married in churches and synagogues—though often with ceremonies of their own creation. But, for the great majority, the way to the altar is uncharted territory: It's every couple on its own bottom, without a compass, often without a goal. Those who reach the altar seem to have stumbled upon it by accident. Then and now Things were not always like this; in fact, one suspects things were never like this, not here, not anywhere. We live, in this respect as in so many others, in utterly novel and unpre-cedented times. Until what seems like only yesterday, young people were groomed for marriage, and the paths leading to it were culturally well set out, at least in rough outline. In polite society, at the beginning of this century, our grandfathers came a-calling and a-wooing at the homes of our grandmothers, under conditions set by the woman, operating from strength on her own turf. A generation later, courting couples began to go out on "dates," in public and increasingly on the man's terms, given that he had the income to pay for dinner and dancing. To be sure, some people "played the field," and, in the pre-war years, dating on college campuses became a matter more of proving popularity than of proving suitability for marriage. But, especially after the war, "going-steady" was a regular feature of high-school and college life; the age of marriage dropped considerably, and high-school or college sweethearts often married right after, or even before, graduation. Finding a mate, no less than getting an education that would enable him to support her, was at least a tacit goal of many a male undergraduate; many a young woman, so the joke had it, went to college mainly for her MRS. degree, a charge whose truth was proof against libel for legions of college coeds well into the 1960s.1 In other respects as well, the young remained culturally attached to the claims of "real life." Though times were good, fresh memory kept alive the poverty of the recent Great Depression and the deaths and dislocations of the war; necessity and the urgencies of life were not out of sight, even for fortunate youth. Opportunity was knocking, the world and adulthood were beckoning, and most of us stepped forward into married life, readily, eagerly, and, truth to tell, without much pondering. We were simply doing—some sooner, some later—what our parents had done, indeed, what all our forebears had done. Not so today. Now the vast majority goes to college, but very few—women or men—go with the hope, or even the wish, of finding a marriage partner. Many do not expect to find there even a path to a career; they often require several years of post-graduate "time off" to figure out what they are going to do with themselves. Sexually active—in truth, hyperactive— http://www.thepublicinterest.com/ Edited by Gramm on 03/05/05 - 12:39 AM. Reason: added article for convenience of posters

Tobias
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Posted 03/05/05 - 02:30 PM:	#2
Well maybe it is still there, but has the boon of courtship changed. I mean courtship used to be about sex. Will I get it or not, nowadays the sex is available and so the battleground shifts. To money perhaps. Certainly less romantic and certainly less exciting and illicit, but maybe the sad truth.
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Gassendi1
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Posted 03/05/05 - 02:55 PM:	#3
Tobias wrote: Well maybe it is still there, but has the boon of courtship changed. I mean courtship used to be about sex. Will I get it or not, nowadays the sex is available and so the battleground shifts. To money perhaps. Certainly less romantic and certainly less exciting and illicit, but maybe the sad truth. As a matter of fact, it is not true that courtship used to be about sex. Sex was one of the things at the end of the rainbow, no doubt, but courtship was about romance, and even about staying away from sex for a good part of the time. You are far too young to have experienced courtship as it was 50 years ago. It was a different time, and sex was much more mysterious, and women much less available. Everything has coarsened now, and the relation between men and women has become relatively uninteresting. You have to watch the films of the 1930's and 1940's to get even a glimpse of what I mean. Its passing is regrettable, and young men and women are missing much.

Machiveli
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Posted 03/05/05 - 03:57 PM:	#4
I'm not sure its helpful to define courtship in this way since we would have to come up with a new word to refer to animal courtship displays. That said it certainly is true that people are marying later and later( if at all). The reasons being: (1)contraception and increased sexual freedom (2)The breakdown of religious values (3)The economic emanicaption of women. But perhaps you are not refering to a decline in marrage but to something more subtle - or rather the decline of something more subtle... romance, and love being connected to mystery and longing rather than gratification, what is sexy is what is concealed rather than revealed ect. Perhaps there is something in that but you have to expand on it.

Tobias
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Posted 03/06/05 - 04:58 AM:	#5
I agree with you Gassendi and with Machivelli. I also think that if you want to analyse this trend let's say you indeed need the language of hiding and reveiling. In other words, recourse to phenomenology of sorts. I recommend Battaille's book 'eroticism' to everyone interested in the subject. Gassendi, your insistence that I cannot know what courtship means is partly true, but only partly. We are rational enough to relate to states of the past and the present. We are in the same boat together because we analyze the relation between a time you have lived and a time I live. In order to establish the difference and appreciate the values of both times, you to will have to 'imagine' what it is to be young now and I to have been young then. regards Tobi
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easyjacksn
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Posted 03/06/05 - 06:33 AM:	#6
Perhaps along with "wooing", "courting" and "suitors" as considered archaic, we should include "marriage" - or, at least, the traditional idea of it. Young people today it seems have come to the realization that marriage is not a religious ceremony nor a moral or cultural obligation by necessity. By moving away from these ideals, we move away from the idea of a "successful" marriage as being defined as one of permanence. It is becoming thought of as simply another stage of a relationship; not essentially different from becoming "exclusive" or living together(aside from the legal aspects). I don't personally see this as problematic in itself. Certainly the problem of poor parenting is rampant in this country, but the evolution of marriage is not to blame. The almost total lack of education concerning the areas involved in a successful family - and, moreso, being a successful parent - is the true culprit. "Steering" people back towards a more primitive concept of marriage will solve nothing. A bad parent is a bad parent, regardless of their romantic status.

Rachel
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Posted 03/08/05 - 02:05 AM:	#7
No romance today! What nonsense. Why would you think sex precludes romance? I think the two are closely entwined: if you want them to be. Sex is one of life's best pleasures and in a loving relationship, is very romantic. I think marriage is wonderful too and would love to get married. I just haven't yet had the opportunity.

Tobias
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Posted 03/08/05 - 03:11 AM:	#8
My first reply was too cynical. Certainly tragic love stories stilll exist. What may have changed is the formallity. I like the formal act of courtship and am much better suited to it than what we call 'picking up a girl'. These days in the West at least you are expected to immediately show what you have and uncertainty is frowned upon by the opposite sex. I the past there used to be more set cadres of exected beaviour, learnable. the signalls were more clear. Flirting today is quite hard for me. I am not used to jousting with an open viser. There is a difference also between countries. In Holland I am very bad at flirtatious behaviour, in Turkey and towards Turkish girls I am much more accomplished. It seems they prefer a way with words over a perfectly trimmed and self assured body.
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Valens
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Posted 03/08/05 - 04:16 AM:	#9
Rachel! You will be pleased to know I have converted to Vegetarianism I have to agree with Jack on this one. I am unconvinced that changes in social courting and its successors is necessarily problematic, nor do I feel that anyone has yet presented a reasonable argument that would suggest. Such archaic, mundane rituals as courting and marriage are good for some, but they seem to be growing arbitrary within the newer generations, and I cannot help but wish to foster this development. Marriage has always insulted my intelligence, and the intelligence of any two human beings who wish to experience a mutual love without diving into socio obligations.
Now let it work! Mischief, thou art afoot, take thou what course thou wilt! -how now, fellow? Marc Antony (Shakespeare's Julius Caesar) "Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!" Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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Posted 03/08/05 - 11:22 AM:	#10
I think changing (or disappearing) gender roles/expectations are at the heart of the matter. When a 'good wife' was someone who stayed at home, kept the house, and raised the kids, then social behaviour conventions could evolve to display these traits. Men could display traits that showed them as good providers. Today, there is no concensus about gender roles. Every man and woman is expected to be the jack (or jill) of all trades and master of all to boot. Men need to be 'sensitive' smart and funny (in touch with their feminine side), but also are expected to be strong, capable, and protective. Women are expected to be independent and able, while still being nurturing and soft. Is it possible to find gender roles that help guide us socially and help us create conventions while remaining equatable to both genders? I hope so (being single). It seems that the decline of formal courting may be testament to an individual approach to courting. It's obvious that people are still copulating and marrying, so there is some sort of activity going on to predicate that. I don't think that it's possible to return to the rituals we once had, but it may be that we will (and are) evolving new ones.
Nobody ever became a famous philosopher by being a champion of ecumenical hybridism Daniel Dennett Freedom Evolves

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